Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
