Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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