i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
