Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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