The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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