my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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