If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
