Rock
Scissors
Fuck
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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