I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
