He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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