I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
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Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize