Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We got so high we made milksteak
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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