Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
