You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
my poor anus
Randomize
