woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
