No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
