I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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