the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
