My liver just broke up with me...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
