What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
