don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
