He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize