you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I touched a dick in church today
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
