Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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