I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
