Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
