she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
