today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
