to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
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Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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