so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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