That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
