You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I checked into jail on foursquare
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
