So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
