Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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