puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
