Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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