i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
barbara walters just said penis...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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