I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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