Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?