Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
