I am puke
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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