i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
