VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
