Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
