Best friends brother. Beat that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Someone shattered a urinal.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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