ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
