Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
