Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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