I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
