just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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