if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
