Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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