i think my tv is drunk
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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