He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
