i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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