i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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